Quite some time ago, this furry beast ran into our home.  He is a smart furry beast, because he ran right over to Phil, cocked his head so his floppy ear fell over and sat down.  Phil, the voice of reason in our household, hesitated two seconds, and then said, much to my shock and surprise, "You should be our dog.  Your name is Rex."  And while I have not been ready to love something, and I don't want to be forced to get up in the morning, and I don't want to have to clean my floors, ever, I have to admit, we have a dog.  And he is a good dog.  Of course, the dog comes with a bunch of love and help from Michelle the dog queen, who is guilty by facilitation.  But none the less, did I mention, we got a dog?

I am sorry if by now I only have you few reading here - and you already saw this at andraheart.com and on facebook.  But just. in. case.  Here are some good links today.

Try out www.AndraHeart.com for my photos of a garden.

Go to the Arizona Daily Star for more on the garden.

Thank you.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.  1 Corinthians 13:7-8

This week I feel like I woke up, just a little. 

One of the things I have thought of lately is how Andra used to talk about her "other" family when she was 4 or 5 - a family that had a mother whose name was Ara, who had long black hair, in a braid, and she was very sad.  There was a dad, and instead of Grace, there was a little brother.  She talked about them all the time, and it always raised the hairs on my arms, it was so other worldly.  She was very clear about them, and very specific.  It made me wonder this week if she will remember us, too, when she gets where she is going.

I was thinking about waking up from grief.  Surely, that is what you do.  Grief is a dark,  awful, wakeful slumber.  As I wake up, I wonder, is it like this for those who have left us? For those who have crossed over to the wonderland on the other side?  Do they awaken too? 

Perhaps the Egyptians had the right idea, in one way.  Perhaps where the Egyptians accumulated food and drink, riches and textiles, guards and mistresses entombed in clay vessels and chests, perhaps we send bits of ourselves too – a piece of our heart, the light in our awareness, bits of our love, and our sight.  Maybe that is why the world is too dim, when we are grieving - we have lost our ability to see clearly so our loved one can see to find their way on the other side.  And we are sore, physically drained and hurting as we have sent a share of our peace and physical health to help our loved one stand when she needs to walk, slowly and unsure, away from us.  We cry, and we feel crazy, as we have sent what we can, every scrap of wisdom, sanity and heart that we can part with so that they might find some reason, some purpose in their new self, in their new world.

As the Egyptians were able to replace what they buried with their departed, I am hopeful we will be able to replace what we sent too, eventually.  We will regain our sight.  We will find more wisdom, and we will work with all of our being, to find peace wherever we can.  Perhaps we can take comfort in believing that the pieces of ourselves we have lost, we gave to help our beloved.  Had we been given the choice, we would have given all we have lost, and more.

Valentines day was too easy this year.  Every year, Grace makes bold plans, and executes them quickly.  This year, she picked Phinneas and Ferb valentines and made personalized purple and blue cupcakes to match for each classmate.  She powers through a class of valentines in less than an hour, writing neatly and clearly.  We held our second annual Casa D Valentines party, as well, where we made cookies and cupcakes and finger sandwiches, with a craft for the kids. 

And yet, even though all that wears me out, it was still too easy. 

You see, Andra always made her valentines from scratch.  She used doilies, and construction paper, and stickers and even copper wire - you name it, she used it to make her valentines each year.  The problem is, she was S. L. O. W.   Honestly, it would take her weeks to design and stay focused long enough to make all her valentines, like these beauties in 2009. 

To be clear, although deeply thoughtful, the process was often painful due to the expectations gap of the perfect valentine.  Last year, Andra wrote personalized messages to all her friends, and then copied them on to scrapbook paper squares with stickers with each persons initials.  But she wasn't finished, as the 14th rapidly approached, since she decided to send them to the whole 6th grade, instead of just her class.  Late into the night on the 13th, Grace and Andra giggled and drew swirly decorations to finish the valentines (in a rare moment of solidarity). 

My favorite, although I can't imagine what poor Chris's last name is, is "Chris - your last name sounds like quesadilla (I like quesadillas)"


This year, I raided the photo archives, for Andra's heartmade valentine to us all.  Two photos, from 2008.

 

Thank heavens Grace looks great on the carousel!

On October 22, while we waiting for what we were certain was next - for Andra to wake up - all I could think all day was "Something good must come of this."  I did not know what that was, and I still don't know, not entirely anyway, what good we will find of this.

But what I want, more than anything, is to keep finding good, any place we can.  Ingrid, a friend, told me that she secretly envied me and my girls for always seeing the good in people and things, for always searching for the positive.

This last week has been awful, for all of us, for all of Tucson, and selfishly if I may say so, for me. 

So please give me consideration for the fact that the good I found this week was in the form of a Tiffany blue bracelet. It is our Andra Heart bracelet.  We had them made for Phil's hunting buddies, and then gave them to Andra's friends in student council and on the Soccer team, and then to anyone who wanted one.  I just ordered more, in case you want one.

Last Friday night, I gave one to Tony.  Tony married my friend Cathy, which was very smart of him, I must say.  Tony is a paramedic, and in another personal connection, he taught the CPR refresher to the crew that responded to our 911 call and gave us the gift of knowing what happened with Andra - a gift that may seem small, in light of the outcome, but which is a gift I will be eternally grateful for.  For all those reasons, I am glad that Tony is someone I know.

Last Saturday, although he thinks it is just his job, and doesn't appreciate the attention he is getting from it, Tony showed up for work.  Saturday morning, Cathy and I were driving, and she said she had asked Tony to take Saturday off.  And I responded "He can't take the day off, he has people to save."  Two minutes later, Tony called to tell us about the shooting, and that he had been first on scene.  Turns out, he did have people to save.  A whole bunch of people to save.  While he was saving them, he had on his Andra Heart blue bracelet. 

So while this has been an awful week, and life altering for many people in Tucson, I choose to find some good in Tony.  In his humility, in his good works, and in his bracelet, which is now on the covers of newspapers everywhere (Tucson , the New York Times ), and in People magazine, I hear.  Just google him. You'll be impressed. (Tony Compagno Tucson)



Look around for the blue bracelet.  Send some good thoughts Tony's way.  He was just doing his job, but lucky for all of us, saving the world is his job. Thanks Tony. 

I once hired an admin assistant because he made good cookies.  Turns out, he would also always remember his security badge (helpful because I didn't) and he gave me the recipe for pickle soup. 

A shout out to Paul for providing me with the recipe for my favorite comfort food, and one of the only things I can make from scratch, out of my head.  Note that I change the number of pickles and potato depending on who is eating - just me, more pickles, Phil, more potato.



PICKLE SOUP

Peel and cut potatoes into large diced chunks. Put them in boiling water.

Melt 2 Tablespoons butter in a saucepan.

Cut some pickles (3 to 5 depending on your taste) into small chunks.  Flour the pickles and fry them in the butter.  When the flour is cooked, add 3 cups beef broth, and 1 cup pickle juice.  Whisk in 1 cup sour cream (or more if you want it creamier).  Once the sour cream is incorporated, move the cooked potatoes into the broth and let cook for 5 to 10 minutes. 

Cool.  Eat.  Even better on day 2.

I have such horrible mixed feelings about this new year.  I am alternately inspired, a little more awake, despondent and heartsick.  2010 ended horribly.  But it is also our last year with Andra. So in the words of Michelle W., it was the best worst. I am not at all ready to let it go.

We ended it with fun - Grace had a sleepover, and with the help of the Richardsons and Bill from hunting camp, we had fireworks, a pinata (the best one ever, actually), watched the ball drop and toasted with champagne.  We all fell asleep minutes after midnight, and the boys left at the crack of dawn for camp.

And today, I am completely lost.

So I am filing through papers, and doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen and trying to burn off nervous energy.  I feel the need to search for things on the internet, but I have no idea what I am looking for.  Grace and I may go wander around the mall, or go to a movie, but it is the same thing - we don't need anything there, and we certainly won't find what we are really looking for. 

I suppose 2011 will be a year of discovery, and the journey starts with us exploring and wandering around lost.  Eventually, maybe we will find whatever it is we are looking for.  I hope we recognize it when we find it. 

Andra loved music.  She spent most of her discretionary income on music.  She always had a new favorite song, and shared it with us all. 

On Sunday after Andra died, we were having the unthinkable discussion of what music to play at her memorial, and Grace and my sister Julie both said the same song made them think of Andra - Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars.  It has some sexy lyrics, so it wasn't really memorial material, but it is, after all, a love song. 

Almost every time Grace and I get in the car, the song comes on. After every impossible task this month, I get in the car and the song is already on. The song was on Glee - Andra's favorite show.  Its now our song.

To go along with our song, we have assembled songs from Glee, songs from the memorial, and Andra's favorite songs.  One has a bleeped out bad word, but as Andra said when she first played it for me (because it was her favorite song then) "Don't freak out."

A debt of gratitude to Jennie.  My personal graphic designer for the heart, the andraheart.com, and this - if you ever need someone to save you with graphic design, Jennie?  She is your gal. 

WE PRESENT, THE ANDRA HEART PLAY LIST, in this order:

If I Die Young	The Band Perry
Piece of My Heart	Janis Joplin
Loved By You	Lincoln Brewster
Beautiful	MercyMe
Can’t Stand It	Never Shout Never
Only Girl (In the World)	Rihanna
Over The Rainbow	Glee Cast
I Dreamed a Dream	Glee Cast
Another Hallelujah	Lincoln Brewster
Beautiful	Glee Cast
Smile	Glee Cast
Just the Way You Are	Bruno Mars and Glee Cast (it's good enough to have twice)

CLICK HERE FOR A PRINTABLE VERSION

I should warn you, that it is a special playlist - it might make you cry, but it ends with a reminder to smile, though your heart is aching, because you're amazing, just the way you are.